:: Counting Blessings :: –Prolog–
11.34 pm (with coughs….) One Night, A very dear close Best Friend told me :
"I’m tired of asking God for help, even Jesus Christ prayed to His Father in the garden of Ghetsemane asking for his help, Jesus still crucified and tortured by the people that He love so much and betrayed by His own disciples Judas Iskariot and by His most precious disciple Leader, Peter….
So what’s the point of asking God’s help? He’ll never give you what you ask for"
…
I told her "You shouldn’t stop asking God for help or think that He will never give you what you want…."
"Why?"
"Because God will always grant you what you wished for….
One example, when I was a little girl, I always wish that I will meet someone that can understand my (silly un-funny) jokes, that can give me logic or meaningful toughts/arguments, someone that can understand me deeply and know me the best, someone that don’t have to think or act differently infront of me, that can accept me the way I am, that knows my dreams and thoughts without any long explainations, someone that full of spirits, driven and plenty of compassion towards others, someone that always "be there" wherever and whatever happens…."
I pray and pray to God every night and day….I WANT TO MEET AND TO BE CLOSE WITH THIS KIND OF PERSON, to have relationship with this person…. A TRUE SOULMATE of MINE!! I will be Bless to have this person in my life, to accompany me for the rest of my life… !
But I forgot to tell God, ….^^~ what I prayed about is referred to "I want a perfect HUSBAND" …
So there YOU are. God gave me what I wished for. YOU.
God gave me you, A WOMAN. A perfect BEST FRIEND, a SOULMATE but not a HUSBAND/MAN because I forgot to tell God that I want a MAN hihihihi….Although I love you so much, but hey, I’m still a PURE-Straight Woman…. hahahhaha^^~….
It’s US that sometimes (always) asking too much, untill we actually forget what we asked for, or try to find reason for what seems like not really as close enough as we wanted….You’ll never feel enough.
Or else…we actually never ask Him for His Guidances…So He "never" know what actually you wish for, or what actually troubling you (Hey, You never ask!…hahaha…Don’t blame God for putting others in 1st priority that already cry-out bloody tears for help….:))
So, let’s start "Counting Our Blessings"… You’ll Amaze that You’ll find so many things you might have left in "unknown zone"…Something that you never realize you have it and you are blessed by Him to have that…."
Tell God what you want, what you wish for… He’ll grant you that. He’ll grant you the best ways and purposes…("Knock…Knock on Heaven Doors….and He’ll answer you….^^~)
(as this conversation with my best friend, Jen Nie continues *sensored* hahaha….
I remember lot of things. Me, —Myself, forgot to count my blessings since the day I came back to Indonesia. Read my past blogs, you’ll agree with me. Full of sorrows and hatreds towards many people that I should love unconditionally.
I hope this page will be the 1st beginning of my "COUNTING BLESSINGS" projects…
I’m not a Good Writer although I love to write. So Please Reminds me and Help me if I missed any blessings. Help me with any memories that we had 
and Thank You for everything, Help me cure my Numbness…….)
Liebe,
Rei
Uncategorized | Comment (0). NUMB .
There’s no one left to take the blame what’s behind this masquerade
How do we win these losin’ games we play, words we say…
…Cutting wounds that run so deep.
Leave it all behind you Or someday love will find you.
Only lonely, I can’t stop hurting you but I can’t stop loving you
So tell me babe, how much pain you think i can take before my heart breaks?
….
That door closed for a few years and those memories has faded away.
Not it’s OPENED….again.
Am I prepared for this?
I have this sensation of tingling, pricking, or NUMBNESS of the heart (as the feeling of pins and needles.) with no apparent long-term physical effect.
The sensation of an extremity "falling asleep" of My Heart….
I can feel that my heart is turning into a sponge….processing transforming into a stone.
My blood flow impedanced to the extremity. It starved by something unknown that compresses the nerve cells, making transmission of neural impulses more difficult….
I can’t really recover myself. The thing that easily have been done so many times before.
I guess I’m tired….
I’m NUMB….
(…written for the hurtful truth that I’ve found, again and again….)
Uncategorized | Comment (1)….6th Sense….
I Always knew… I should’ve believe myself.
Right before it happened. Or whatever going to happen…in my life.
This ability drives me NUTZ, whole my life…. I always pray and wish that I’m not blessed with this kind of sensitivity. I always haunted by the tought that I might be "too much", too jelaous, too mad, too angry….too crazy….
To be able to feel whatever happening. To be able to know the person, right after I saw and met them for the 1st time. To be able to "feel" that there’s something wrong….
Today it’s all COME and CLEAR. At least I can tell my self that this "bad feeling" of mind it’s not only my crazy toughts.
I have to TRUST my senses.
Again I am RIGHT…..for million times.
I’m so stupid to open the DOOR once again, after I’ve shut it…..
I tought I have learned. The truth is, I’m still this stupid amateur human.
I’m so moron to open up all the DOOR that I’ve been shut down for so many years, with the "golden key" called LOVE.
I’m so dumn to unlocked the door, and let the Lies and Misery come again and smack me into the ground….
I tought by open up my heart, everything is gonna be alright…
Well….One thing opened, others blinded by LOVE.
And again I am HURT. The STUPID "I-THINK-I-KNEW-EVERYTHING-AND-LOVE-WILL-CONQUER-ALL"ME… HURT AGAIN. WOUNDED….
Bledding into the BONE….Lose My Soul …again.
SO SO STUPID UNTIL… I TOUGHT THERE’S GONNA BE "A WAY" FOR ME….
I GUESS NOT.
IT’S TIME FOR ME TO PACK MY BAG AGAIN….
Thank’s God My time in this world it’s not gonna be long…..
Uncategorized | Comments (3)90%…..
The Symptoms….
recurrent thoughts of death, recurrent suicidal ideation without a specific plan, or a suicide attempt or a specific plan for committing suicide.
(…okay the answer is NO, but "running away" , YES…)
loss of interest or pleasure in things that used to be fun
(…yes..)
diminished ability to think or concentrate, or indecisiveness, nearly every day
(…and yes….)
irritability, hostility, aggression
(…yes…)
a decrease in the ability to make decisions
(yes…)
feeling hopeless or helpless;
(….these days…yes..)
Feeling restless or unable to sit still.
(….everyday…)
loss of energy
(yup…2 many blackouts lately)
Withdrawal from family members/peers/co-workers.
(….hm, yes… want to dissapears)
changes in appetite or weight
(hum, yes…)
drug or alcohol abuse
(…NO…)
trouble sleep or sleeping too much
(…imsoniac for life…and sometimes just want to close my eyes and sleep away…)
Blaming yourself for things going wrong.
(yes, for this one…)
Crying a lot.
(….lately yes…)
…..
I just PASSED 90% the test of Major Depression symptoms….Oh Great…..
I wish my the old-Phsycotic-me doesn’t come back…..
Uncategorized | Comments (3)