….Waiting Room….

Another day…

So many things happened this past weeks.

I had an oral surgery on my upper and lower right of my wisdom teeth…(….*pifff….*…no more explanation than IT’s damn HURT! arghhhh….oh my….).

I was a break-fasting-dinner-crasher last Tuesday *where I’m not invited…but there was me….:)*….

I went out Karaoke-ing my friends for bachelor party ’till morning on week day *hehehe….*…. (and there was a big meeting they next day…..great!)

I have a long-deep conversation with my brothers over our problems from 10pm to 2 am….. We now agree on something better :).

I had a very wonderfull day with a very special person….. that suddenly just turn into something bad, made me have to "hide" and bother other people….I have to fight everything, because the last thing i want is to hurt somebody again….( And I did it again…because I have to "reject" it…)….It’s also make my bond with my brothers closer….and make me realize that special person is really a nice, sweet person, might be the one….* I guess all we need is time…. (and same "tickets" to the same "movies"……ehhehe….)*

I’ve lots emails from my friends and told me, asked if I’m "Okay" because I wrote sad blogs…..*I’m sorry guys…. I don’t mean to make you guys worry….it’s just the same’ ol me that always taking everything to deep even for a silly simple things….Although, Thank you ^_^~~…*

I’ve my new-known friend told me…..:

"This world is like a waiting room. Everybody stay inside and waiting for their turns. Everybody expecting or simply waiting for what going to be happened next. Nobody knows.

Waiting is boring. Sometimes it’s scary because we don’t know what the future holds. Other time it’s just simply okay, no problem—we’ll just wait, whatever will be…will be. It’s depends on the person who waits.

While we are waiting inside the room. Somebody will ring the door bell and open the door. Everyone inside will be wondering and hoping "Is it my turn now?". "Who is the one that open the door? Whos name will be called? What will be the offer?". Everybody will be hoping….

Well, I don’t see it in you anymore. You seems that you don’t care when the ring bells.  While everybody anxiously turn their heads to the door, expecting what will happens next, …you just calmly watching out the window with a very deep sad look in your eyes, the look that you don’t even realize…..You don’t seems to care who will be behind the door.

It’s like you are scare to hope of something anymore…..Why is that? Is it because everytime the door opened for you? or because What is your hoping for weren’t there? "….or you just tired of everything uneasy behind the door?"

…..Wow. You really got me. I makes you guys worry. And I’m sorry.

Hm….I don’t want to make a promise. Because I know I’m fragile. I will do this sad-whining-bloggings things over and over again…..

But I do wanna try to put a new prespective…..positive one. I wish there’s still time….and I do wanna start Having those HOPEs again.

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Please Forgive Me…. For Being This Weak…

Again.

I’ve hurt the people I love so much.

Again.

I’m driving the people I love so much, away….

The more I love them, the more I drive them away from me.

With my "unreasonable" insanity, for being selfish and childish. With my loneliness, with my long years of sadness and disapointments that shouldn’t be here anymore.

Again.

It’s like a circle. It’s what has happened 5 years ago, happens again. Different Situation, Same Condition. It’s all coming back.

I’m trying so hard to be "acknowledge" by the people I love… "Hey, guys… I’m actually real."

I’m trying so hard to let them know…."I will always love you, with everything I got….100%. But don’t take me for granted. I’m not as strong as you know. And… I’m not always gonna be around".

I’m starting to act stupid. I’m making fool of myself.

Like 5 years ago.

I realize. I know. I forgive them for whatever happened. I love them dearly… with all my heart.

Yet, I can’t stop the pain. It’s as if it’s healed but still hurt.

I wish i can be more simple. Not taking everything deeply, totally….

Not giving them 100%. Not wanting anything in return.

I want to be more thankful. Because I’m still one of the luckiest person on earth.

I’ve lotz of chances and wishes granted.

I want to be more brave and strong.

I want to love them simply "just like that" and doesn’t have to cry and sad when they actually not giving you their love.

Again.

I want to love them unconditionaly….

I’m so sorry for … … … my weakness.

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