at 2 am….
2 a.m. … June 22nd, 2005
Good Morning.
I can’t sleep again.
So I decided to do some work (that I supposed to finish at work). I actually have went to bed earlier today (yesterday), by 9 pm.
Tossed and Turned. Couldn’t sleep.
"Lay your life in His Hand…." My dearest friends keep telling me that. Also my fresh clear mind. … *sigh* Guess, my heart can’t stop this.
What I’m suppose to do? to cure this "pain" that shouldn’t be here anymore. to be love and to give more…. to be stronger.
I acknowleged myself mature. But I guess, I’m still not.
(*picture by my "bro" Edy Kris 
Thank You…. Beautiful Wonosobo)
More Than A Friend ***
No. I’m not Lesbian. I would still prefer a REAL MAN. Hahaha~ But
She’s more than a all of that to me.
It’s funny how we met for the fisrt time through 2nd year of Junior HighSchool. She actually pulled a bad comment about me RIGHT behind me, where she sat.
She told our classmate in chinese dialec : "She’s chinese? huh? A Chinese girl, but can’t speak teow-cheow**!!!!!" (**teow cheow is one of chinese dialec).
Growing up in my Big Traditional-Catholic-Chinese family, I’m the only child/granddaughter that can’t speak teow-cheow. Well, it’s not that bad, I’m actually can understand every words, but I just can’t pronounce it correctly. I went to a strict school where in that period of time, the goverment pursued us to speak Indonesian all the time, and in my school if you speak just a word of chinese— they would fine you a great amount of my pocket money ….. (Hey, I’m just a elementary school kid at the time…. of course pocket money is the only may resource… *__*~)
So, here I am. A only 3rd Generation Chinese Immigrant that can’t speak chinese. Specially if u live in my hometown Pontianak, which is more like a chinatown. It’s a shame. It’s a sin.
My late GrandDad always called me "Bale Tau sun" (means Stupid Granddaughter) because I can’t speak chinese. I can’t blame him. He’s a teacher. He’s a bachelor of chinese literature. He was the headmaster of one of the chinese school in my town. I believe He can’t understand why he can get a grandsdoe that can’t speak chinese, hehehehe~ 
So, every chinese new year, everytime he would ask a chinese limerick that we should (have to) answer to get the angpau (red enevelope with monye inside). I would just grab it and go. Without asnwering him. "BALE TAU SUN!" Sorry Grands, With A lot respect, I just don’t know what to asnwer!
Back to my 1st story,
After she comment me that, I was like, so annoyed. and turn back right away "Hey watch your mouth, I understand what you just said!!!". She was like "Oops".
There’s no word spoken after that. No Sorry. Nothing. Just silence. (hauhauha…. I made it more dramatic). ^___^~
We have started this friendship with an argument. A Rough Start.
But After more than 10 years…. Among my closest friends, She’s not my friend anymore, I can’t call her a friend. I can’t call her a sister. I can’t call her soulmate.
Because She’ more than that .
She’s the one that can see the real me. I don’t have to be somebody else. We can’t jus give out the best opinion we have about each other and doesn’t have to worry one another will get mad. She’ll help me out the best she can.
Thank’s Jen.
I miss u so much. You know I’ll always pray for everystep you made and will make.
I’m an Obsessive Compulsive Disorder~….
"I don’t know what to do"
This sentence always lingering inside my mind years and years, and it still goin` up until now.
Maybe I’m a deep-thinker. Everything, little stuffs, big stuffs, silly stuffs, happy stuffs, sad stuffs…. everything seems important to me, everything have to be noticed by me. I will put every efforts and attentions to everythings.
When I’m still in schools, I will count all my books to make sure it well packed. I’ll make sure I didn’t miss anything. After a test, I will rethink every step, every answer I made. After something happened to me, I will rethink and rethink and…. rethink. After I cooked a instant noodle, I will comeback and check and recheck million times whether I had turn of the gas.
I hate to see buttons. It is getting better by now. Before I was dying in my school uniforms just because I can’t stand to have buttons on my shirt. I would prefer a plain T-Shirt. I hate to see small rocks. It drives me NUTZ!
And many… many crazy unthinkable stuff that can make me feel "irk!"
I am an OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder) Person. Everything has to be perfect, everything have to be safe.
That’s maybe one thing that makes me always think I don’t know what to do.
Specially, I haven’t achieve everything yet…. I always have to live the life that I don’t want ( not like I know what I want…*___*~). Maybe I just have to stop trying to make everyone else happy and start thinking about my self.
I can’t.
I love them dearly. I want to try to fill up everything that I can. Although I have to giving up my dreams, my plans.
But, Lately I’m losing my self. Feeling so so so alone. ALONE.
I don’t know what to do.
I don’t.
I hope this situation only my Obsessive Complusive Disorder attack that runing through my veins…
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