The Truth Behind…

It has been a while, since i write.

I guess my whole life, has taken its tolls these past months.

The fact that I want to avoid those people that keep reading my blogs with negative thoughts and narrow minds (but funny things they “hate” my blogs but keep reading it…^^~), .. I was just suddenly lost my passion in writing and reading. I just want to be in the situation where I dont feel anything, specially not feeling the pain from my illness or my heartbrokens moments.

I dont want to be a cry baby, for thus i’m still luckier that others.

But… sometime.

It can be so lonely to bear illness and it can be so lonely when friends and family already got used to the fact you are a cheerful and happy-goers person. At the time you cried and screamed out, they would just frown out their forehead and asked “what’s wrong with you? it’s not you” or “is it that painful until you cry that much?”.

Yeach, it can be lonely days.

When it does, i will turn into the High Divine Power above me, Praying and asking for help. Yup. the Divine Power. God. That might laugh at me and said something like “Yeah right, you always come to me when you have no more way out or everything when wrong, but you are lazy to go to church” (hehe, I know He wont say that…).

But again, those moments makes me feel empty and alone.

It’s not easy. Some people around understand, some people just don’t and that makes it even harder.

I’m overwhelmed too, these days.

By the truth and the facts that i still have some old friends that helping me and lending me their hearts, and supporting me to go through this (thank you, guys, you know who you are). I might not able to repay you all, now. But someday, somehow (and i will) repay you all back.

I love to feel this way. I know the feeling will be gone soon and I will be back feeling lonely again. But these kindness from some old and best friends of mine become the truth behind the Divine intervention.

(For all my friends and everybody that help me, going through the surgery and supporting me all the way, -Thank You.-)

My Daddy’s Car and The Best Medicine Ever…

One Lousy evening, I was in my low-mood and bad hair day.

Nothing could make me smile that day (ow, ok, maybe just a fake smile…).

You know that, lotz of books published today talks about Positive Thoughts, Positive Energy and how the negative energy will attract other negative things? Yeah, it sort of right, actually. Nothing really right, nothing really in place when you were in bad mood.

There I was, in a blue taxi, on the way to my Japanese lesson. Crazy traffic jamz as usual, kinda rainy, as if the nature supporting my mood (or probably the nature says”Yeah, you already has BAD HAIR day, another rain drop won’t hurt…”.

The 1st 15 minute, I decided to call my bf. And there he was. Also in bad mood because work overload, as he is as usual, would be a sarcastic man, a temperamental person and an impatient human being. He added antother “made my day”.

The next minute I  hung up my cellphone (actually not hung up, but abruptly punching the OFF button hehehe), There I saw the taxi driver look back at me through his rear mirror. I was like, in my thought of course, “WHAT! what are you looking at!”

Then suddenly the taxi driver, turned on his tape recorder with Dangdut songs!

He smiled at me and say, “I have driven taxi for almost 20 years, especially Jakarta’s traffic, I can’t event stand it, It’s very tiring, but I have one thing, the best medicine ever….”

He took down his Sun’s shade and gave me this 10R photo of… his son.

Old and laminated.

“This is what makes me keep going, never feel tired anymore, just by looking at this picture of my lovely one. Too bad I don’t have my wife picture, It would make me feel even better! … Just by looking at this picture, I can smile. Do you know a smile can cure anything? It can cure your day, even a rare disease?”

I stunned and just answered a blunt “Yes, it does”

“Everytime I have something in my mind, or something that’s feels like there’s no way out. I will recall my good memories with my family, I will smile as big as I can, I will sing as loud as I want.” He added.

“No One can stop you for being a Happy person, My Son teaches me that. He changed me to be more thankful. Don’t u think so, miss? It’s easier to smile than to cry, isn’t it? believe me it will cure anything”.

I just (okay this is the 1st un-fake) smiled.

“My Son is very proud of me, he told everybody that his Daddy is cool  because his Daddy has a TOYOTA Vios Car….”. The taxi driver stopped and laughed out loud. “… He just doesn’t know that his daddy’s car is actually a taxi!”

And we reached the place.

I paid him the fare and said “Thank You, Sir…. for everything”

Secret or NO Secret?

Sometimes you can’t hold on to a beautiful friendship, somehow it turns the other way around, friends to foes. It is easy as turning down your palm.

In friendship, sometimes ppl are demanding “NO Secret” in between. Why? because secrets hurts. Or it the other way around? Better not hold the Secret and to know the hurtful truth and let your friends hold up a secret from you?

Standing There….( Old Man Part II )

So… there he was. With his sincere smile.

I Grab his hand, and said “come with me, i want to buy your cakes, how many do you have left?. I pecked into his white paper boxes. Only 5 cakes left.

*with a grumble heart, I still can’t believe why the lady before refused to buy that 5 cakes*

“How Much is it, Sir?”

“All Rp.10.000,-”

Only a 20 cent per cake!

I pray for you, Old Man.

I’m thanking you, Old Man. You remind me to always remember my Mom, whatever is the reason, How busy I am with all activities, How pissed I usually am, when She called in my “busy” time….. I’m thanking you, Old Man. To remind me of behaving better to my only parent.

Standing There….( Old Man Part I )

There he was … standing there, old, white hair…

He was trying to sell his home made cakes…

He was smiling, he is about 80 years old…

A lady passed onfront of him, He asked “do you want to buy cakes for breakfasting?” and the lady asnwered “Oh… hmmm…. I don’t want any, you don’t have “Lemper” (an Indonesian rice roll cake)”…

The old man answered, “Too bad, I don’t…”

It just broke my heart, an instant.

Where are his children?

Where are his family?

Kickin` Another Update…

Someone wishpered to me the other night….

“A friend that is someone that won’t leave, whatever happened to you, even you suddenly turns crazy or bad, they will accept you just the way you are. They’ll stay, eventhough both of you might not in the same path anymore. They’ll call or email you once a while, just to say Hi and from there both of you will “click” once again like you never been separated“

And what if they leave and turn to the other side once they realize you might not the person they want u to be?

“Then… that someone is never be your friend from the very beginning“

What a confusing wishper

Be Careful What You wished For!

Looks like it is true, the phrase :”Be Careful what you wished for”.

Few months ago, I wished that Friendster’s blog would look more nicer, with newer widget and stuff.

There you are. The ALL NEW FRIENDSTER BLOGS! YIppeeeee!

Snobby? Seeking Attention?

It’s been a while for a little writing in here….

After a while, and after reading an article in a newspaper, I lost my passion in writing a blogs.

It is said in the newspaper, blogging is a form of snob-thingy or looking/seeking for attention thingy. I really love the writer of the article, He is a weekly-Sunday columnist. Part of his argument is true, but not 100% correct. I think people turn to blogging because of the Internet-Era, not everybody has time to turn into a thick little diary to write (some people with no internet connection/rural area might still do that, though).

Everybody stick infront of their laptop. Working, Typing, Chatting, Dating, Anything…. includes Blogging.
It gives us instant impact. New Circle Friends, New Fans (of the writings), New Secret Admirers, New Stalkers, New Cyber Popularity. (Okay…. maybe this is what the writer means by seeking of attention).
It also give us a privacy (if you posting your writings under a “nickname” or Fake name, not with the whole story of your life like I did :))….), A little New World called “MY WORLD” with you as the star of the show.

Instant Impacts. That’s about it. Anyway everybody need just a little things called “popularity”.

They need to show their children, boyfriend, dogs, cats, fiancee, city, country…. their new house, their new clothes, their new trophies, new cars, new bikes…. they even opening online stores! (Maybe this is what the columnist said about “being a snob”…).

Well, for me, it’s better than putting fake pictures, fake profile, fake life, …. fake, etc.
It’s okay to be anything, to write anything, to put anything, to post anything. Do whatever suits you, as long as you don’t hurt anybody with whatever you did or do. And if you do or did hurt anyone, mirror yourself, say sorry and fix it. I think that’s the best way to stay “sane”.

I’m just writing this to fill my spare time before dinner. I don’t mean to offends anyone.
Glad to be back!

Lose Some, Get Some

You know what they say about always to thinking positively towards things and everything in life. I’ve watched Rhonda Byrne’s "The Secret" and browsing its website (haven’t start to read the book), and that the most of it. Gratitude and Positive Thinking. Before that I’ve been trying to see my illness from different side of angle…

These are -some of it- what I found….

1. I’m not losing hair that much.

It is also because I don’t have to get through chemotherapy like other cancer patient. My tumor grows from the nerves, and they’ve decided not to take chemo-treatment because it will affect me so much. Chemotherapy will drop your stamina into the lowest level and, of course, makes you lose your hair. I lose some of my hair, and it keeps thining but I don’t go bald. It can be pretty scary once you really find bunch of your hair laying on your head pillow (like I did), and everytime you comb your hair….

2. I get to travel around.

Okay, this might sound silly. But I do got chances to go to China for the 1st time because of my treatment. ALthough it was a grueling treatment, which I have to stayed in the hospital, but after that I got chances to go places for few days and my Mom and I met my grand-uncle (my Grandma’s brother–My Mom haven’t see him for almost 50 years!). Added to it, I also got chances to go to Penang, Malaysia for several times. Next destination (if this treatment’s not working): Japan! (of course I have to save money for that….)

3. I got new friends.

I got new extended family from over the world, the patient and family that were staying in the same hospital. They are making me stronger with their stories and life….

4. My Insomnia "cured".

Okay, not exactly "cured". It is because I have a bunch of medicine that can makes me fall asleep almost everytime during bright or night! …. Boozeddd and Doozeddd…….

5. I feel special.

For having this and many things happening in my life? Definitely!

6. ….

7. …

I will add more to it later… any idea?

::Counting Blessing::… Volunteer Teacher - Guru Sukwan…

I read about this in the daily paper, yesterday.

An article about Volunteer Teachers in Indonesia, called "Guru Sukwan". I’m not sure why they called it "Sukwan", maybe they just make it short from what it supposed to be: "Sukarelawan" (which is mean Volunteer in Bahasa Indonesia, Guru=Teacher).

"Guru Sukwan" usually dutied to teach in suburban or very rural area in Indonesia. Looking at the picture from the daily paper, I can see that the school building are not in very good condition. They are lucky to have half of broken roof to cover them from direct sunlight or rainy day. One school only got One teacher.

It was said that  "Guru Sukwan" doesn’t even get paid to teach everyday. What do they get is a total combined money from parents (who apparently poor) around Rp. 100.000,- per month (around USD 10). If they were lucky, they’ll get around Rp. 300.000,- per month (around USD 30). While to pay home bill and daily life will cause them more than that.

Unlike First-World country,  we don’t have 401K Plan or Pension Plan, unless we have enough money to pay the plan on our own. One way to get the pension plan is by getting hired to work as government employee.

One of the "Guru Sukwan" even have to work 12 years, till she can get Rp. 1.200.000,- per month (USD 120) as salary. Others have to work part time as construction workers during the night. Yet, according to the daily paper, we still need 89.000 teachers just around West Java Area. 

Well, the picture showed below, speak more than what we see.

My "Mother Teresa" syndrome, again, smack me in the head….

What do you think?

(read more on http://kompas.co.id/kompascetak/read.php?cnt=.xml.2008.04.10.00415681&channel=2&mn=154&idx=154, pic taken from the same link)